While driving to Ohio this past weekend, I missed my dad.
It’s not that I don’t think about him a lot. It's just that life fills up so quickly that I can put the hollow part of my heart on a shelf and go about my day. It waits for me (that hollow spot), knowing I will inevitably reach up, dust it off, and carry it around with me when the time is right.
The time was right as I was driving to Ohio this past weekend, and I missed my dad. I was tired; Skillet seemed like a good idea. When you’re sleepy, “Waking Up, Waking Up!” is a great stadium chant to sing in a car. But metal mayhem gave way to a song I had not heard and did not expect:
“I went to bed - I was thinking about you
I wanna talk and laugh like we used to.
When I see you in my dreams at night
It's so real but it's in my mind,
And now I guess this is as good as it gets
Don't wake me, 'cause I don't wanna leave this dream
Don't wake me, 'cause I never seem to stay asleep enough
When it's you I'm dreaming of, I don't wanna wake up
These dreams of you keep on growing stronger
It ain't a lot but it's all I have.
Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer
Don't wanna stop 'cause I want You back."
"'Cause I want you back." I had dreams of my father for months after he died. I wish so desperately I could have them again (and yet I don’t – it’s exhausting to wake up sobbing). Grief is such a confusing mix of “I hate this” and “Please don't let me forget.”